The Hallowe’en Party by McDroll (FREE Kindle Download)

The Hallowe’en Party by McDroll

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Another year; another Hallowe’en party. Think ‘Abigail’s Party’ with masks on. No way out of it, so nothing else to do but suck it up and start stuffing the olives. Got to research some new creepy recipes. Don’t want to be the talk of the street after all. Bitches will be judging every last cobweb and skeleton. Thought I might make dead men’s fingers creeping out of blood and sheep’s eyeballs in gravy to delight the parvenu. Some of the seasoned nonpareil will get another twirl I suppose. Would be complaints if I didn’t brew up ‘open heart’ stew or cat sick on poo. It always amazes me how all the pseudo shrew’s and their plebeian partners revert back to being asinine adolescents, guffawing at all the toilet humour, eating sick and dog poo, killing themselves laughing whilst digging into brains and snot.

They all say I put on a ‘magical party’ for such an old woman but then refuse to take a turn. All the Spanky Swankies get to do the ‘Nigella’ parties, all showing off their amuse-bouches while I have to make yet another cauldron of toenail soup. Never mind, could be worse, I suppose. At least my offspring are grown up and I don’t need to get involved in the kiddies’ party scene. Now that really is torture. Outdoing each other with their Petit Chanel party bags and chocolate fountains. There was a vulgar pink stretch limo in the street last week for little Fifi’s birfday. Only six but already permanently attached to her mobile phone, glued in hair extensions and weekly manicures in the mall.  Seemingly the ‘girls’ all had a makeover and a fashion shoot before they arrived at the party. Little bitsy things, thin as sticks. Could do with a good fattening up. Should be playing with Barbies and colouring in books. Now they all go out on ‘play dates’ at the weekend and move around in herds to slumber parties. Makes my warts itch.

Don’t get me started though. I’m just as bad really with my obsequious behaviour. I’ve seen the day that I could have put them in their place with one squint of the eye, but now I play along with the social scene, drawing the line at the swapping that is, who’d want an old crone like me anyway? But I seem to come in handy in a ‘sweet old granny’ way as well as for my ‘World Famous’, authentic Hallowe’en parties. I’m always available to babysit. Don’t ever mention that to Hansel. Since Vince passed, there’s not the same pleasure in our line of work. We were quite the team in our day but our wee house in the woods was just not handy for the shops, so we moved into suburbia. I just amuse myself whenever I can, just me and my cats. Still tempted to use that cage but don’t want to draw the attention of social services. That’s where it all went wrong for us.

Think I’ll make the ‘obliterating’ punch again this year, went down a bomb, you know. They all loved my secret ingredient, just watching the shenanigans made my night. Amuses me anyway. Who would have thought the captain of the golf club could have done that with a toilet brush! Have to be careful though to get the ingredients just right, don’t want anybody to remember the next morning, just my secret but it gives such pay-back. Snobby bitches.

Takes me all year to collect all the bits and bobs I need for my beastly buffet. I stick stuff in jars and put it in the freezer. Nobody’s ever going to check in there, thank goodness. They’d get a real ‘eyeful.’ And to think they all tell me how realistic my tasty bites are! “You’d think those were real toe-nails!” they bellow as they keep chewing. Yum. “Aren’t sheep’s eyeballs awfully like pickled onions, Meg?” they smirk. It’s just the vinegar that does it. Malevolence, my beautiful pussy, is very helpful when it comes to the sick and ‘dog’ poo dip. Defrosts fine. And the ‘brains’ are just coloured porridge but the snot…that takes ages to collect.

Now…where did I put my ancient recipe book? My mother handed it onto me before she passed, had to be me. Her seventh daughter.

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Also check out Last Chance by N. E. White

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