Things Writers Shouldn’t Google

by L. Vera

We get a lot of readers here at AKAQ that google weird and crazy things, like “How To Kill Some One With A Knife” or “How To Kill Someone Quickly”. I wrote one article called “How To Kill Someone”, which was about writing, and now we get all kinds of crazies visiting the blog. (Which is kinda cool.) So when you finally find that website that helped you kill someone and the police look at your computer and see your history, don’t look at me. I warned you.

1) Arsenic: Really any type of posion should be off limits. Even weird plants. I think I once searched for bull nettle after scraping against the plant and found all types of crazy things, I hope that wont bite me in the ass. I guess if someone dies mysteriously from poisoning and you don’t see post here anymore, I might be in lockup.

2) How To Kill: How To Kill anything, anybody in any fashion should not be food in the google machine. Maybe add the word “Write” to help find the articles that could help a writer. Even though I’ve never seen a google search that brought someone here. : (

3) How To Make a Bomb: And any other terrrorist type thing you think of especially the Anarchist cookbook. Even though seeing fertilizer bombs going off on youtube lseems cool it’s actually . . . Okay, it is pretty cool, but be smart and search instead for “how to fertilize lawn with bug bombs” or something sneaky like that.

4) Anything over the top sexual: I don’t need to elaborate. But try explain to your parents when the police find those – insert crazy fetish – pictures after your friend did something crazy illegal and the police confiscated your CPU. Not worth it buddy.

Look, many cookies and certificates can be found on your computer that can help convict you of all types of things. So make sure you use Google Chrome and turn on Incognito browsing. Come on. Just read this if you need more reasons, even though he was crazy and it’s actually good for us he did google those things.



  1. I am afraid to even imagine what the fuzz would make of the searches I have done. Uh Oh!

  2. I get views from “steampunk sex” and–I kid you not–“Upskirt porno young girl free” as well as “following someone in supermarket is stalking?”

    I swear I’m on some government watch list at this point.

    • Ha, I got another today with “to kill someone while watching” just seemed creepy to me.

  3. I wrote a post called ‘How To Kill A Man With One Blow’, but I don’t think anyone’s found me using a related search term. Yet. Most of my search terms relate to dragons.

    I did Google ‘merkins’ though and you just don’t want to know about the images that came up in THAT search…

  4. Ha ha! I wondered about this last week when I started researching the contents of a backpack bomb. Homeland Security may be knocking on my door any day now!

    • I usually research a lot about guns, but that’s natural here in Texas.

  5. It’s okay. All of your suspicious searches are negated with one round of Man Candy Monday. #untruefacts

  6. My god…Ive googled VX gas, sarin gas, disposing of bodies with lye, hydroflouric acid, different strangle holds, bone saws and more lol

    • Ha, I’m always researching weapons. I would hate to sound ignorant on the subject.

  7. I spent some time with “The process of a brain shutting down with poison”. I actually had cops rock around to check up on me but were satisfied with my 8 page essay and gave some suggestions with common pharmaceutical drugs.

    I got an ‘A’ from that essay.

    • Nice.

      • Wasn’t for my mother at the time, coming home to see me sitting at a table with two policemen writing, what she thought was, a statement.

      • Yeah that would definitely freak any mother out.

      • The police are typically great people to work with and reasonable, and as you said, very helpful. It’s the authorities who don’t use their grey matter which we fear, and those put into positions to order the authorities.

  8. I say go ahead and search for what you want like there’s no tomorrow. As America has a culture of free thinkers, those lists anyone tries to compile of “deviants” will be to large to be practice. Now if you’re like me and live in a country like China, where people are honestly scared of the government, and keep their mouth shut and do what their told, you don’t want to be the tallest nail in the row. (though out of 4 billion people, it’s not *that* hard)

    But it doesn’t hurt to watch your back a little. Check out Doctorow’s “Little Brother” written with today’s time of extraordinary rendition and weakening of habeous corpus in mind.


  9. […] then there’s all that stuff that you just really shouldn’t do — as out­lined in “Things Writers Shouldn’t Google”. When writ­ing part of Cat Sitting… I had to look up what gets done in a funeral par­lour […]

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